A recently broken up couple are inside a theatre having a one-sided fight led by you, Alfonso, who are visibly neurotic. Your almost apathetic ex, Jenna, is just tired of discussing your dead relationship.
"God Jenna, we used to have conversations. Like, we used to share our lives with each other." you say.
"Alfonso, we dated for a week."
"No, no, there was a semester leading up to it. And once we started dating we saw each other daily. We went out on 6 dates. If you’re supposed to fail you fail before 6 dates."
"I guess so..."
"I guess so? Jenna, say something. Put your personality into your words! Being polite doesn’t count as communication."
"You’re right."
You know you're putting yourself in a vulnerable position, but you're [[determined.]]
[[You realise this is becoming a fight. A fight you already lost]] and that is benefitial to either of you."Jenna, how are you so okay watching this… us, die? (Beat) You wear contacts everyday… they’re hard to notice. Unless you stare often, or the sun is shining directly on them, you wouldn’t know. (Beat) Jenn, talk to me."
You exchange stares. Jenna is tired of this but still cares about you enough to not be completely rude. You continue talking:
"God, what have we done to ourselves? Your voice doesn’t even sound the same. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t remember it this way."
"How do you expect me to react to that? You’re just being sad out loud! Alfonso, do you ever consider that maybe I just don’t wanna talk to you anymore? (pause) I’m sorry but I think it’s better this way, you just don’t fit into my life anymore. When I look forward, you just aren’t a part of the picture."
You react physically to this by taking a step back, you had it coming and saw it coming, but it still hurts.
"Like, I don’t want to be mean. I’ve always tried to be kind—"
(link: "At this point you've realised that this is dead. You can be an unpleasant ass and keep pestering her, or exchange goodbyes and leave out before completely tainting the memory of something that was actually good up until this moment.")[[["Alfonso, I don’t want to be someone’s perfect concept, you know?"]]]
[[You are determined to win her back.]]
You keep going...
"No. You once told me your green juice motto to “Always be Nice, and Always Try to be Kind.” But you got it the other way around: You should always be kind, and always try to be nice. We’re both people talking to each other, now please be a person and talk to me with your personality, instead of your television mouth! (Pause) Even if I won’t like what you’re gonna say, we’re gonna have an actual interaction. Honesty is kind, politeness is just lazy. (Beat) You’re a bum. A sexy one, but a bum still. A sexy bum, that’s you."
"First of all, don’t call me sexy, which I am but: boundaries. We’re broken up now. Second of all, ‘Honesty is kind, politeness is lazy’? Who says so? Who the fuck do you think you are? You think you’re spitting universal truths but you’re just using very specific grammar. Anyways, are you sure you wanna do this? Do you wanna hear what I actually fucking think?"
[["FUCKING YES!"]]
{(if: $count is 1)[I hope the sound of your irritable, persistent, completely unselfaware voice is getting to you; because that's the effect it's having on all of us. Jenna included, obviously.]
(if: $count is 2)[You've probably learned your lesson, this is almost over. I promise. Let this feeling sink though, this is how it feels to hear you yapping over and over about the same thing.]}"Alright: you freak me out sometimes, okay? Getting fixated on a person you only dated for a week is not romantic, it’s pathetic." She says.
And you reply in a neurotically funny way since you never manifest anger:
"Oh look at you trying to be hurtful! It takes a bit more, JENNA. I am very aware of my pathetic! I thrive on pathetic, It’s part of the Alfonso charm!"
But you remembers you aren’t here to fight. So you calmly and a bit insecure; seeking reassurance, say:
"I always made you laugh…"
"I mean, sure, tell yourself what you need to remain confident. I genuinely still care for you as a person, I don’t want you to end up in a rut."
"Oh don’t do that, don’t you dare; funny is all I have. You know 90% of my ego consists of me thinking I’m funny."
"We did have some laughs but it was nothing out of the ordinary, you know? Don’t take it personal though, Kim finds you hilarious. It’s just like not my ultimate cup of tea, you know? Like the FRIENDS VS Seinfeld thing, and I’m just more of a FRIENDS person, you know?"
"You can enjoy both!" You hear from somewhere up in the theatre.
"He's right." You say to Jenna, not knowing who said that. "Uh, whoever that is..."
"Hey, it’s Mark, just setting up a light for the next show. You guys go ahead." the lighting technician says.
"Oh how’s it going, man?"
Jenna grows frustrated and whacks Alfonso in the chest.
"Yeah by the way, why do we always have to meet here? I don’t like random theatre kids knowing about my personal life."
"Rude." Mark says.
[[Continue arguing]]
{(if: $count is 1)[Seems repetitive and pointless,doesn't it? But this is the path you chose so go ahead, maybe YOU will get tired of yourself.]
(if: $count is 2)[Alright I bet this is enough. Let's do this just one more time.]}
You calm down and realise there is no more point to arguing. You guys cared about each other once. Stop dishonoring that.
[["Alfonso, I don’t want to be someone’s perfect concept, you know?"]]"Anyway, Seinfeld. Of all the things you said, that’s the most hurtful one. And you weren’t even hurting me directly, you used sitcoms to talk to me. Why does it hurt that you don’t find me funny? Oh my god (beat), is this all about my ego?"
"That’s exactly your problem, a minute ago your concern was supposedly our relationship, but we’re back to yourself. Look outside for a second Alfonso, listen, for the love of God. I don’t wanna lose you, but you’re unable to see me as anything else than a romantic partner. That’s a way of being unkind, you know? Like I may be blunt, but you’ve idealized me as The American Girlfriend, right? And never made an effort to get to know me beyond that. Like remember that time I was telling you about my nana who had, by the way, fucking died a week before; and you interrupted by asking me to pronounce the words Alabama and Cheeseburger because you “loved my accent”? Alfonso, I don’t—"
"‘Alfonso’, That’s another one. I love the way you pronounce my name. Bit nice, not gonna lie, really…"
{(set: $count to it + 1)
(if: $count is 3)[go to [[End of argument]]]}
[[You are determined to win her back.]]
Okay, you were on a loop. A loop of strictly yourself, and only you put yourself there. Lucky for you, your sentence has been served, the loop is over. Honor it. You have had time to see how annoying it is to keep arguing and arguing. You realise that fighting is pointless and you, her, and the relationship you once had deserve better than this.
Alright, go back. Get it right this time.
[["Alfonso, I don’t want to be someone’s perfect concept, you know?"]]"I want someone who I can be real with, and that likes me for that. For being just who I am. Not for the way I roll my vowels."
"And your very specific Rs. American Rs are so fucking tough. “Border.” ”Murder.” What is this language." You say in a sadder tone.
"Can we please be friends? I really don’t wanna lose you. Sorry for using my television mouth on you."
"I just, I don’t, I ah…"
Jenna is familiar with your stuttering, it’s a way of expressing yourself in a way. You're always talking; so when you can’t use words, something’s wrong. She walks up to you, with kind intentions, and gives you a hug.
"We need some time to let go. That’s all it takes, I promise." she says, and she's right.
<h1>The End</h1>(set: $count to 0)Double-click this passage to edit it.